- A master criminal decided to rob an art museum. He got by all the security alarms, stole several paintings, got by all the security alarms on the way out, got in his van and took off. He ran out of gas half a mile from the museum. They caught him and asked him how could someone so brilliant not think to fill up the tank of his van. His answer was:
"I had no "Monet", to buy "Degas" to make the "Van Gogh".
- Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. When one cannibal turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
- A man put a coin in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's real automation! he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
- A Washington reporter was awakened by her husband in the middle of the night. "I think there's a thief in the house," he said.
"No doubt," she said sleepily. "And there are a handful in the Senate, too."
- What did the cowboy say when he went into his room and saw that his bed was eight feet wide and twenty feet long?
"That's a lot of bunk!"
- As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
- A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
- A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.
Little Johnny was a smarty, so he answered with, " De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
- There is a lot of talk about flying airliners in formation because of the congestion, and what with computerization there will be no need for pilots at all.
A man is supposed to have said that the cockpit will soon be occupied by just one pilot and a dog. The purpose of the pilot will be to feed the dog, and the purpose of the dog will be to keep the pilot away from the controls.
- Woman: "How's your history paper coming?"
Man: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Man: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
- The waiter at the diner came over and asked his customer, "How did you find your steak?"
"Easy," snarled the patron. "I shoved a spoonful of potatoes to the side and there it was!"
- Sally's husband didn't leave a bit of insurance. Everyone wanted to know where she got that gorgeous diamond ring?
"Well," said Sally, "he left $2,000 for his casket and $8,000 for a stone. This is the stone."
- A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?
- A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
- It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
- An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
- A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
- A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 ......on one condition.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
- A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Click -- Finlay's Funnies -- to return to main index page.