- A diabetic was sent to the operation room to have his bad leg amputated.
The next morning the doctor came by to visit. "I have good news and I have bad news".
"Give me the good news first", says the patient.
"The good news is that we have successfully amputate your leg".
"And what's the bad news then?"
"It was the wrong leg", replied the doctor.
- One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police.
"Well?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the data in an arrest record.
"Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied. "Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all."
- There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
- The prisoner asked the Governor for a stay of execution.
The Governor replied, "Await my answer by taking a seat. It will be cabled to you shortly".
- Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology."
The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
- A Texan was visiting South of the border, when he heard a Mexican say, "Loco Gringo!"
"You have to remember," he replied, "That there is a fine line between genius and insanity,"
"Yes. We call it the Rio Grande."
- In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
- A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had", he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"
- Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a
paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How do you know?
Second one: My dog told me.
- Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- There is a story that the devil once owned Texas. You can understand why he preferred to live in Hell.
- A very unpopular but powerful lawyer died. Two of his "friends" saw the obituary notice and decided to go to his funeral. When they arrived, they found the church very crowded.
"My heavens!" said one. "Look at all these people. How do you explain it?"
"Well," said the other, "Give people what they want and they will all show up."
- This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
- Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
- Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...the one flies over and the other one swims through. Which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- A guy walks into his doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions.And, while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"
- After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter." And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
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