- The guy from Montana was bragging how large his cattle ranch was, saying, "It takes all day to ride out to the west fence, two days to reach the south fence, another day to get to my east fence, and two more days to get home."
The Texan, chewing calmly on a piece of straw drawled, "Yeah, I had a horse like that once."
- Norm's wife, Judy, is not so very bright. The other day, she was in the supermarket when a friend rushed up to her saying, "Judy, Judy, come quick. Someone is stealing your car."
So Judy rushed outside but soon came back.
"Did you catch him?" her friend asked anxiously.
"Nope," Judy replied, "But I got his license number."
- Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?"
The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father."
The Father's jaw dropped in amazement.
"Who'd have believed it?
And could ye tell me how wide it is?"
- Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home.
"Sean, it's amazin, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses, and it's TELEPHONES they put in 'em!"
- A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding???
But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."
- Three convicts were going to be executed. As they went out, the first was given one last request.
He pointed behind the firing range and shouted, "Tornado" and ran away.
The second one pointed and said, "Hurricane," and did the same.
The third shouted, "Fire!"
- Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured.
Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons.
It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.
- A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
- A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said,
"What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
- A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
- Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
- A baby Seal walks into a bar and sits down.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club", replies the Seal.
- A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
- Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
- Policeman: When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, 'fifty-five at least.'"
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
- A Dominican, a Jesuit, and a Franciscan are in a sinking boat just a few yards from shore.
The water is cold, but the Dominican manages to walk safely to the shore, barely getting his ankles wet.
The Jesuit is next and walks to shore with only the soles of his shoes getting wet.
The Franciscan says, "If they can do it, so can I" and steps out of the boat and promptly drowns.
On shore, the Dominican and Jesuit meet.
"What a shame our Franciscan friend there didn't know where the rocks were!"
- While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, we heard the ticket agent on the paging system: "Would the person who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter."
After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"
- When they closed Denver's old Stapleton Airport, the gift shop had a big clearance sale -- everything 90 percent off. This was great! You could get a bottle of aspirin for $20!"
- In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.
She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."
At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
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