- Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
- Be sure to visit Mike Tyson's homepage.....
It's only 1 byte.
- My wife telephoned me:
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"Where's the car?" I asked her.
She replied: "At the bottom of the lake."
- Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
- Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...
- A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."
Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.
- At a parent-teacher conference, a mother told the teacher, "My son Paul is a very sensitive boy."
"Yes," said the teacher, "I've noticed that. Is there anything we should do about it?"
"Well," said the mother, "if Paul misbehaves, please spank the boy next to him."
- Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
- Dr. and Mrs. Jacob Gover were given a very hard time by IRS agents over their income tax returns. The good doctor, a proctologist, was fed up. Suddenly the revenue agent asked, "Pardon me, Doctor, but I'm not sure I understand just what a proctologist does. Could you explain it to me?"
"Certainly," said the doctor. "A proctologist is a brain surgeon for IRS agents."
- One of the world's most brilliant salesmen managed to sell a fridge to an Eskimo.
Some months later he called round to ask how the Eskimo was getting on with his new purchase.
"It's OK," said the Eskimo. "But I haven't quite got the knack of chopping up the ice into little squares to fit the tray."
- I hear that O.J. is getting married again. I guess he wants to take another stab at it.
- Moving along a dimly lighted street, a man was suddenly approached by a stranger who had appeared out of the shadows.
"Please sir," asked the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor fellow who is out of work and hungry? All I have in the world is this gun.
- Ella Fitz told her friend, "Jimmy Peters has his heart set on marrying the widow Rogers,"
"He asked her last night."
"He did? Now that is surprising."
"Yep. He asked if he could take her husband's place."
"And what'd she say?"
"She said it was OK with her. All he had to do was make arrangements with the undertaker."
- At the fashionable church in Columbia, after a week of hot weather, the air conditioning failed to perform for the Sunday service. The Pastor assured the worshippers that there would be an abbreviated sermon. True to his word, he stood up, looked around at the sweating faces saying: "If you think it's hot here -- just wait!" and sat down.
- Nowadays they're marrying young. A friend went to a wedding where the bride's mother wouldn't let her have any wedding cake until she finished her vegetables.
- An usher was passing the collection plate at a large church wedding.
One of those attending looked up, very puzzled. Without waiting for the question, the usher nodded his head and said, "I know it's unusual, but the father of the bride requested it."
- Overheard: "I think our bank is in trouble. I was about to complete a withdrawal at the ATM and the machine asked me if I wanted to go double or nothing."
- What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?
- A painter was asked how the visitors to his new exhibition liked the paintings.
They were divided into two groups, said the painter, half said it wasa complete waste of paint and the other half said it was a complete waste of canvas.
- A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand.
The witness was a punk-rocker from the streets of London.
"You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered.
"I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath", the punk-rocker replied.
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