- Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How do you know?
Second one: My dog told me.
- A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit priest were in the same hospital room and all on their death beds. Suddenly the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time, however before he would take the three of them he would allow them to each have one last request.
The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his Saviour before he was to leave this world. In an instant the face appeared before him, he was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.
The Franciscan was next and he asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died. No sooner than he had asked the pierced hands and feet appeared before him. He touched them and he too was content.
Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked what his final request was.
Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second opinion."
- A Jesuit and Franciscan sat down to dinner.... after dinner pie was served. The pie had two pieces, one cut small the other large... the Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated:
"St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece."
The Jesuit replied: "And so you have it."
- There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.
The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.
The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest.
It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.
- When their ship sank a Jesuit, a Benedictine, a Dominican and a Franciscan were crowded into a small lifeboat, which having a small leak was in ever greater danger of sinking. The boat unfortunately was surrounded by sharks. As the boat reached sinking point, the Dominican confident in the preaching prowess of his order stood on the prow and begin to homilize to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism, but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp. With less weight the boat went on but soon was again at sinking point. The Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp. Again the boat continued a bit before again reaching sinking point. The Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to say
"Blessed are you Lord my God for brother shark ..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.
The Jesuit sailed on a little while until finally the boat sank leaving him in the water with the sharks. One grabbed one sleeve of his habit (this happened many years ago) and another grabbed his cincture, and they towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to thank them, but they waved him off (with their dorsal fins) and dismissed his thanks with the curt remark,
- Then there was the Jesuit out for a drive who crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.
"It was my fault," each of them insisted -- as is only right and proper with religious men.
The Jesuit in his concern for the other said, "You look badly shaken up. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down."
And he produced a flask.
The Franciscan drank and said, "Thank you; I feel much better now."
The Jesuit said, "You still look a little rattled, have another drink."
And the Frannie did.
"One more," said the Jesuit,"and you'll be feeling fine again."
The Franciscan, after taking a drink, said, "But Father, you're probably shaken up too. Why don't you have a drink."
"I will," said the Jesuit, "but I think I'll wait until after the police have come."
- The Franciscans, Dominicans and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, the Dominicans began preaching, and the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker.
- A Franciscan, and Dominican, and a Jesuit were out playing golf one day. They were moving along the course quite well, until they got stuck behind a group of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren't letting anyone else play through.
Feeling a little frustrated, the three went up to the head of the group and asked what was going on. He told the three priests that they were part of a special program that allowed the blind to play golf. Each blind person was paired off with a sighted player who would help them line up the shot and give them advice on what else to do.
The Franciscan was deeply edified by this display of generosity. He apologized for being so pushy, and announced that he was so impressed by this example of service that he would incorporate it into his own prayer and service to the poor.
The Dominican, too, was touched by their example, and declared that he would use this display of service in his preaching, and help others to work with those in need around them.
The Jesuit, finally, was deeply moved by their ministry. He took the fellow aside and encouraged him to continue with his work. However, he had to add one qualification.
"Don't you think it would be a lot easier for everyone if they just played at night...."
- A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said,
"So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
- An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your KATE AND EDITH, too."
- A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!"
- After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practising law," whispered Angela.
"But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute."
- The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said,
"Father, Father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded, "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
- The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" the lawyer yelled the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!"
Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."
- A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures....the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc.
But she called up Johnny to ask him to explain his drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the plane windows.
She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the heads to show Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. But who's the fourth head?"
"Oh," answered Johnny, "that's Pontius the pilot!"
- An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice:
"I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee,
"It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
- A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?"
"Yes, I will", came the reply.
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?", she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you !!".
- A guy going down a road with a wheel barrel passes by a mental hospital.
Patient: "What have you got in the wheel barrow?
Guy: "Manure to put on my strawberries".
Patient: "You should be in here I put sugar on mine but then again I'm crazy".
- A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper inhis hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
- A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.
"Hell, he says, we better handle this before that rich bitch sees it."
He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says, "Wait, I have an easier way."
He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,
"Have you seen my toy poodle?
Click -- Finlay's Funnies -- to return to main index page.