- A tape of God talking to a banker:
Banker asks, "What is a million years like to you?"
God replies, "Like one second.
Banker asks, "What is a million dollars like to you?"
God says, "Like one penny."
Banker asks, "Can I have a penny?"
God replies, "Just a second..."
- President Clinton was at the ball game with Hilary, having a blast. A secret service agent walked up to where Bill was sitting and whispered in his ear.
Promptly the president got up, a look of anger on his face. He grabbed Hilary by the arm and dragged her out of the stadium.
Later the secret service agent that had first whispered to him walked up and cleared his throat, "Sir, at the game you misunderstood me. They wanted you to throw out the first 'pitch'".
- The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
- A Yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the Yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.
"You Yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the Yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my blasted Rolex!!!!!"
- The line for the bowl game was endless. It wound clear around the stadium. A late arrival walked up to the front of the line and tried to push his way in. A burly fan who'd been waiting for the gates to open since ten growled at the late arrival and heaved him fifty feet back into the line.
A second time, the man tried to edge his way into the front. Again, he was tossed back.
After the third time, the late arrival picked himself up and said, "If you don't stop throwing me out of line, nobody's getting in today. I have the key!"
2000 LB WENCH
Must see to appreciate
- A cop pulls over a middle age couple and says, "Sir, the reason I stopped you was I noticed you weren't wearing a seat belt."
"You're wrong officer. As you can see, I have it on."
The cop says, "I saw you put it on when I pulled you over."
"Oh no, officer. I've had it on since I left my house."
The cop gets angry and says, "Look, I didn't pull you over to argue with you." He then proceeds to ask the man's wife if her husband was wearing his seat belt or not.
The wife says, "Oh officer, please leave me out of this. I've learned never to argue with him when he's been drinking."
- A drunk piles onto a bus, staggers up the aisle, and flops next to an uppity woman, who eyes him disdainfully, saying, "I've got news for you, sir -- you are going straight to Hell!"
The drunk said, "Oh, Hell! I'm on the wrong bus again."
- An obnoxious drunk guy is at a party, trying to pick up a ravishing lady. He asks, "Hey, baby, can you guess my star sign?"
"Quite easily," came the reply. "Herpes."
- A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
- A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," he replies.
As she is sitting on his lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure I can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, he asks, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "Cause Grandma says that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
- A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading:
"Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.
The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied,
When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, he replied,
- Two men named Richard Hanson lived near each other in the same community. One was a minister and the other was a businessman. The minister passed away at about the same time as the businessman went on a trip to Florida.
When the businessman arrived in Florida, he sent a telegram to his wife informing her of his safe arrival. Unfortunately, the message was delivered in error to the wife of the recently deceased minister.
The telegram read: ARRIVED SAFELY; HEAT HERE TERRIFIC.
- A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the horse a drink. The horse complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!" Bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the horse is satisfied.
The horse drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the horse has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!" And the bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the little umbrella sometimes!"
- Two hydrogen atoms are in a bar and get up to leave. As they reach the door, one hydrogen atom turns to the other and says, "I think I left my electron at the bar."
"How do you know? I mean, are you sure?"
- An Indian, a Mexican and an Irishman were stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface. Suddenly there was a flash and a large Genie appeared before them. The Genie granted each man one wish.
"Oh, please," said the Indian, "I want to go home to India!" In a instant he was gone.
"I want to go back to Mexico City!" The Mexican pleaded. In a flash he too disappeared.
There stood the Irishman, alone with the Genie.
The Irishman said, "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here, I wish I had my two friends back!"
- An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No, I've lost all my luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out."
- Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler.
Tim went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.
- In the latter days of WWII, three soldiers were brought to a temporary Axis POW camp. The three were French, British and Irish.
A quartermaster lackey was asking them how much underwear they needed for their stay.
"Four," said the Briton.
"Why four?" asked the Q.L.
"Why, one for each week of the bloody month," the BPOW replied.
The Frenchman was asked how many.
"Seven," he replied. "One for each day of the week."
The Q.L. looked at the Irishman, who replied "Twelve."
Three pairs of eyebrows went up. The Irishman explained, "One for January, one for February...."
- "Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonergan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."
"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.
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