- At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.
After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else.
This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".
- A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
- A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:
I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
- Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself: "Now I bet that darn truck won't be there either!"
- Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches high.
"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck.
The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance", he said.
- There has been a great proliferation of lawyers in the past twenty years, just as there has been a proliferation of computers. But unlike computers, lawyers do not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years.
- The duck walks up to the pharmacist's counter.
He says, "Hey Mister, ya' got any Chapstick?"
The pharmacist says, "This is really weird, but, here you are...Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck says, "Put it on my bill..."
- Death Announcement:
A clumsy inventor crashed while he was trying out his new invention:
An ejector seat for a helicopter.
- A guy takes his sick dog to the Vet to see what's wrong.
The Vet checks out the dog's pulse etc. and then gets a cat and puts the cat next to the dog. The cat just walks around the dog a couple of times.
The Vet takes the cat away.
The dog owner gets a bill from the Vet for $380.00!!!
The outraged dog owner calls the Vet and asks for an explanation of the bill.
The Vet says, "$80.00 for the dog's tests, and the $300.00 was for the catscan."
- Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin is this: "Will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "They surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "But what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "Then they'll follow you."
- One day during the O.J trial, Marcia Clark was arguing with Johnny Cochran.
Judge Ito said, "How about we take a three hour break to play some baseball."
When Judge Ito hit the ball into left field, O.J. missed it.
Judge Ito said, "How could you have missed that fly ball?"
O.J. replied, "My bloody glove was too small!"
- A guy walked into the Service Station and asked, "Do you have a rear view mirror for a Lada?"
The Attendant replied, "Sounds like a fair swap to me."
- "Mummy," said the little boy, do you know that beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?
"Yes," said his mom. "What about it?"
"The last generation just dropped it."
- The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a sentence. First she called
on Alice who said "The choo-choo pulled the train up the hill and down the hill."
"Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Leroy and said, "Please use choo-choo in a sentence."
"The choo-choo be chugging real fast."
"All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Armondo, can you use the word choo-choo in a sentence?"
Armondo says, "You touch my car an I'll choo-choo."
- The Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling out west one day when Tonto got off his saddle and put his ear to the ground.
He said, "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger said, "Wow! You can hear buffalo coming before you can see them?"
Tonto said, "No!" as he wipes off his ear.
- The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
- A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
- A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Alright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."
- A farmer named Clancy lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancy went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Mike told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church; however, there's a new denomination down the road apiece...not sure of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Clancy said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
- A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
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